Realism is the killer of dreams

21st August 2020:

And here we go again (with the prescription acne treatment and feeling overwhelmed by the problem)

It's one of those days where lots of little things go wrong, I woke with a headache and neck ache and after weird dreams I don't remember, a sort of heartache, my prescription was a bit messy and took ages this morning, I managed to cut my thumb on a can opener without even feeling any pain and started bleeding on my washing up, I've had an awful acne breakout this week that I thought was an allergic reaction at one point, my work laptop feels like it's going to die soon (it kept freezing all day), all internet connections are being slow, and the wind has blown the whole of the outside world into my annexe. 

But although I feel a little deflated today, I am still feeling those strong urges of exploring underneath. The main problem I seem to face these days is taking actions or feeling able to take action. There's an element of frustration to my mood today, and anger and frustration are often warning emotions trying to alert us to something that needs addressing.

The last few months have been filled with turning inwards trying to understand what it is I want from my life, figuring out my passion and my purpose... I feel I have a lot more clarity on that now. But I have often had similar feelings and let them grow stagnant by not acting... I will let my sensible and realistic thoughts put up barriers.

My soul is what drives me in life. But I feel like although my gut is saying take that road, some sort of satnav is demanding I take the most direct route. But ultimately I don't actually know if the destination is the aim, but instead the exploration of the path less taken.

I've been thinking on this a bit lately and after watching a few TED talks some months ago about purpose and passion, I have realised that this rude satnav in my life - that demands I take a certain route, and my decision to follow it as it must know what is best for me - is my ego...

It is our ego that stops us taking action and stops us from taking that risk and that chance towards what would truly make us happy. 

Responsibility and realism step in as if they are the most powerful decision makers and they make us chose the sensible options... but our hearts still scream out for what it needs. And so our ego demands ridiculous things while desperately trying to cling to familiarity and status quo. I think it's why we so desperately wish to win the lottery sometimes, as if the financial side is covered our ego thinks it will be safe and satisfied. But we don't want to be rich for the sake of it, we need to think about what having money means... we want to be safe and secure, that's why our ego, our critical thoughts, stop us from taking chances and risks and reaching out for those things we need.

But I crave change. I crave exploration. I crave something more than this same old routine. In my heart I am willing to leave so much behind to start a new chapter in my life, to the point where it would feel like a whole new book. But I limit myself with sensibility. I keep approaching a cliff edge and life is telling me I should trust it and jump. But my ego fears the fall. So I take a small detour for a little while longer; eventually I will come to the end of this path and it will be a cliff edge again and the only way forward of to trust it and jump or turn and go back the way I came. Perhaps if you're the one with me at that point in my life where I'm on a cliff edge, you could give me the encouragement I need to trust the fall... Maybe it's not a jump I'm meant to take alone. Or maybe I just need someone to remind me that it truly is something I need to do alone.