If you were loved by me

 Friday 15th March 2019:

If you were loved by me I would want to learn what makes you smile when you least expect it, I'd want to know what your oldest memory was, and I'd keep you up 'til late in the night and early in the morning to ask you questions about how you view the world...

If you were loved by me I'd want to know all of you and to forever keep learning all about you. I'd want to grow as you do, and I'd want to hear the unapologetic emotion in your voice as you tell me your most beautiful and most painful memories.

If you were loved by me, and I mean truly love by me, I'd love every part of you, even the parts I disagree with. Even the parts that sometimes annoy me.

If you were loved by me it would be like swimming in an ocean; deep and calm and all encompassing. If you were loved by me I would be soft and soothing like the salty seas.

But like the ocean I know I can be overwhelming. I can be soft and I can be the calm ocean waves that lift you up and free you, but I can also be the undercurrent that drags you down. My emotions being a whole other world under the surface. My dark days being the current that runs deep and strong.

If I were to start to accidentally drag you down into the uncharted depths of my heart with me, I'd throw you back out... the fear of dragging you under, the fear of you finding the monsters in the deep, the fear of exposing you to the truth of my ocean.... that fear can fuel a tempest in me, it drives me to darken my waters and deter potential swimmers, it provokes me to carve my mark and scream my despair into the cliffs that surround me, making the path towards me discouraging and dampening hopes and appeal, like laying down bricks in an old doorway.

If I were to love you, I'd live in fear of revealing to you the darkness that runs deep but has never been explored by another. I'd live in fear of the fear I'd see in you if you saw the chasm in my heart.

If you were to love me in return, I would feel like I was the one drowning, falling in on myself - the depth of my ocean collapsing in on itself, my monsters from deep within exposed; some destroyed forever and some revealed to be misunderstood, some simply accepted and others enemies that may never find us again or may destroy us completely if they do...

If you were to love me in return, and truly love me, my world would reach beyond the depth below and reach high above...

If you were to love me in return, my heart would not believe it, and it would surely faltered the day it finally realises the it undoubtedly believes it, and my heart would weigh heavy with the guilt of not having realised sooner.

If you were to love me and I were to love you. It would surely be inexorable; a dance of infinite ocean waters and the night's endless star lit skies.

If you were to love me...