Honesty

There was a time for a while when I was quite young when I used to lie, and it got me into trouble and I was told off. I was told how honestly is the best policy… and - because my parents encouraged us to tell them about our day or involve them before we made big decisions (so they could check we’re safe) - I kind of had it ingrained within me to always endeavour be honest. 

As I grew my own personality, this was ingrained into my character more than being a simply habit… and sometimes I overthink so much that I literally can’t help but be honest sometimes. 

Being subjected to the 90s and 00s media standards so much growing up, I fell victim to trying to conform to a standard that society set for me. However I always felt like I’d failed at that, and I was always doing it wrong, I just wasn't naturally fitting into these boxes and these trends, and so, I never felt like myself. It felt like a forever unachievable goal, and try as I might to be a certain way, I always felt like I was living a giant lie. 

Facing a massive lack of confidence and mental health difficulties including depression, slight social anxiety and anorexia within the past plus all these external social pressures, I have often had personal goals and desires centred around wanting to become confident with the real me and no longer feel like I was living a lie… and thus I slowly started to question who I actually am. And I found myself clinging to that saying "honesty is the best policy" 

So over the years of having this “honesty is the best policy” philosophy I have grown further as an adult, yet I have gone backward almost to being like a child - often speaking about myself with no filter, with no shame and no concerns of what others may think. And that may seem like a good none ego centric characteristic to have but underneath all my openness and honesty is still a sea of turmoil and self doubt and hypocrisy… insecurity, self criticism, doubt and concern. All of that which we would maybe consider honesty being the cure for or opposite of still co-exists within me.

For me one the biggest and best coping skills I have gained over the years has been my honesty. While I am far from being the most transparent and perfectly understood person who can say they literally never ever lie - I have found in my deep inner searching and my obsession to not live a lie again that I have ingrained honesty to be a part of my personality. And I am proud of that feature. 

At times this has felt like a huge negative; it has had me feeling like I should not have boundaries or walls up which resulted in being hurt when that honesty was never returned. At times in a desire to try not to be 'too much' I'd try to suppress my honesty but it only ever resulted in bottling up emotions, thoughts and desires, resulting in a lack of personal autonomy leading to being taken advantage of to then suddenly spilling my heart out in a 1000 word message (that likely never even gets read). Or I could be too transparent when meeting new people so they actually think I’m a dreaded “over sharer”. I could hear myself endlessly talking to them (as I convince myself I see their eyes glaze over), while I hear that little voice in my head screaming at me to shut up, knowing full well I will spend days after thinking “I wish I’d just shut up... Why’d I say that?”

Yet I find I can’t help but be honest still. I recall a time after a few specific events where I overshared and it pushed people away where I suddenly thought, “I’m too much and I’m too honest... but that’s just who I am” and I won’t be going out of my way to change that about me... because I wish I’d heard more of those raw and honest words myself growing up, teaching me to be unapologetically yourself.

Perhaps there are others who find my over-honesty enlightening, refreshing, and invigorating. Moreover, in a modern world where it’s all too easy to lie… wouldn’t it be nice if more people were as honest as I can be?

In a world that is so often full of games, deceit and manipulation that’s made easier and if not encouraged by a saturated market of choice, with social media opening up sooo many more opportunities, to the point that we always feel like we’re missing out no matter who or what we choose - is not my honestly, while uncommon and seemingly naive, isn’t it refreshing…? Like a break in the forest that opens to a meadow of flowers, each flower a subtle openness or truth and the odd bolder sunflower reaching high above the rest screaming “hey look at me!”. 

This is simply part of who I am now at this point. 

I’m quiet and shy at first and I often need a few hours each day to be completely alone to recharge. But I am also that person that can really talk without filters. I ramble and make up weird analogies as I go, I debate daily morals and philosophies wherever I can. It’s a running joke in my household to say to me “is there a quiz at the end?” when I am rambling passionately about a subject my parents don’t fully understand, to which I always reply that I am simply in need to vocalising and sound boarding and they needn't feel pressured to give advice, just listen.

But my silences and sudden bursts of passionate rambles can be a little overwhelming for others I think. They can be confusing as my personality seemingly lacks consistency. Notice how I say seemingly though? Because I disagree that fluctuations in personality and presentation is inconsistency and it isn't such a bad thing - it's proof we're ever evolving and growing. 

My daily conversations and ability to converse with other people is ruled by my emotions very extremely. I have a certain amount of ability to compartmentalise and force calmness or excitement when necessary - it’s super important sometimes to sideline my mild tiredness or mild irritation for the sake of someone else’s mental milestones or relationship hardships or financial worries. I’m the sort of person that will endeavour to help people feel heard, appreciated and that their emotions are validated. So I can sideline mine at times for those purposes. But when all is generally calm in people’s lives then my friends and family are much more likely to see these little bursts of over-excitement and over sharing and deep honesty. 

I’m learning to love them. I thoroughly enjoy seeing anyone go off on a tangent about their passions, even if I understand nothing of it. The joy on their face, the wonder and possibilities in their eyes? The shit is marvellous. 

And so on my rather long self discovery and confidence journey, I am learning to look inwards with that same respect and joy and awe. So when my passion bubbles to the surface - even if it’s for some new hobby or interest that I know full well I’ll grow bored with in a few weeks or months until re-discovering it a year or so later - I let myself go for it. I just let myself bask in that nerdy excitement. And I ramble, and sure I apologise for rambling. But I do so with a damn smile on my face now, because at least I'm being honest with who I truly am...