Grief

I literally am not sure what words I have in me to explain, to express and to process accurately…

Truth be told, while people who have never met me but followed me on social media for some time may think I’m a super honest person - I’m not always like that. In truth when I’m in the thick of feeling something considered more negative I bury it. I deal with it alone. I cry alone. I write alone. I grieve alone.

Of course with the people I trust most I still show some of these hardships but it’s only a tip of the iceberg really. I’m a slow and internally processing type of person. It’s why I love writing, as the pen (or keyboard) doesn’t give sympathy or pass judgement. It’s not that I fear being judged negatively for being sad or angry about something. But somehow I have conditioned myself to either feel embarrassed or overly private about expressing these emotions.

I ironically encourage the people around me to openly cry and express pain…. But I take myself away to silently and privately feel those things. I compartmentalise a little too much, until I burn out and the stress is obvious to everyone. I think I do this so as not to worry people around me, as I know I can feel my emotions in a very big way but that doesn’t always mean I’m in a mental health crisis (but this could be expanded on in a much larger topic - which may be better saved for a therapy session one day)

I’ve been almost expressionless and seemingly ignorant to Luna’s fate in front of others, only having a few strained tears in front of a couple of people. I’ve had a lot of tears on the evening when we got her diagnosis, but since I’ve maintained a positive and very accepting attitude around her and around family. I’ve talked about how I feel and said I’m upset and said I’ve been had some tears but I speak about it nonchalantly. I compartmentalised again, when I don’t need to. It’s my sadness and my grieve and everyone can accept and knows how devastated I must feel to know I’ll have to say goodbye to Luna after 14 years. But still I state my feelings as facts, and even emailed my supervisor the hour I found out about her diagnosis requesting that she not ask me questions about it too much as I didn’t want to break down.

Tonight, in fact in about 5 minutes, Dad and I are taking Luna to the vet. We’re 99% sure it’ll be the last day with her. I decided I need to be there too, I’d rather regret going than not going. I know my suppressing my feelings is pointless, as it’s only making me more disorganised and foggy and zoned out currently, but I also know it’ll hit me properly tonight. Just like the grieve hit me at my granddad’s funeral. Of course I cried before the funeral, just as I have cried a few times for Luna already, but the reality of the loss hit me like a truck at my granddad’s funeral; I was probably the loudest crier there and honestly I’m still embarrassed about that. But I cracked at seeing my dad and uncle up there talking about him and giving speeches and crying (my dad very very very rarely cries).

I know and accept that crying is phenomenally important to our well-being, whether we’re crying in pain, fear, anger, sadness or even joy… it’s still normal. And everyone ugly cries. To me I don’t see other people crying as embarrassing… more embracing. And I celebrate it. I encourage people I care about to cry and offer them chances to just cry around me as they need.

Yet it’s not a entitlement I give myself, instead I consider it a luxury. In truth I’ve been numb, I’m struggling to concentrate at work more than my dyslexic arse was before and I’ve been stuck searching for words more than my medication fogged brain was before… yet I tried to prioritise my job over this vitally important feeling of grief. I wish my next sentences are me expressing how I overcame that and accepted that it’s okay to be struggling with how I feel and that it’s normal that it affects me at work and that I sought the support I needed or even took a break to process and be with Luna.

Alas, I still sit here feel constantly guilty that I’m not good enough at work, probably because somehow I can have more control of that, as I can blame myself for not putting in enough effort. Because while I give understanding and acceptance and allowances to others I still proceed to not extend that same basic right and courtesy to myself.

As for the rest of Luna’s sorry, we can’t make her suffer more for our selfishness. Hence a hard decision to book her in to the vet. But we could give her a few days of her favourite things including lighting the fire a little early in the year just so she can sleep in front of it like this a few more times, and stroking her gently while she eats as that always seems to give her comfort...