Always the lone wolf...
It seems to be a concept that I just can't grasp... Large friendship groups. Or at least the ones that I see so many people have.
I have my house mates from this year and last (so that's nine), and a few friends from home, and maybe one or two from uni. I'm not really friends with everyone on my course, I talk to them, get on with them, but I never meet up with them or really have a 'good ol' chit chat' with them. I just don't... I just can't... Oh, how does one accurately describe that feeling where you know someone but you don't know them?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's very few people in the world that I can act freely around, and just be myself. I constantly feel like I'm having to watch my every word, and even the way I sit or stand, around people at university. And outside uni I have my house mates (four that I live with, four who live in another house and one who's going into the army this year), and just a handful from home... The number of friends I have from home I can probably count on one hand. Yep just tried it... five people. The rest feel more like acquaintances than true friends. Now, if I go onto the topic of true friends, well, I'll be here for ages...Or maybe not actually, as that's an even smaller number.
Anyway, I feel as if, maybe, people perceive me in this 'lonely' manner and that it negatively reflects and impacts on my actually being. The fact people see me as lonely, may result in people not wanting to include me, or perhaps they think that it makes me a very boring person and so because of that they don't bother with me. It concerns me, because I know how quick people are to judge, we all do it and I'm always seen as the-weird-but-silent one, until you get to really know me well enough that is, then I'm just weird-and-loud.
I can walk into the lecture hall with half my course mates there and no one says "Hey, sit here Lily", not that I expect it of them, nor should they really have to, but I feel like I have no right to sit next to a lot of people without asking... I feel awkward. So I sit near people that I like and wait for the seats around me to fill up. It may be a sad way to work through university, but at least I still can get on great with people when we have to do group work etc... Being slightly detached from the group members on a personal level in fact can help greatly when trying to keep my head clear and observe, so it doesn't really adversely affect my grades, unless I'm overwhelmed by groups that are too large for my liking and I slip into a over-stressed, frustrated mouse that sulks in the corner.
In conclusion from all that babble, although I'm making it out that I perceive myself as a lonely person, I do not feel that way. I'm quite content with my pocket of friends, it makes the trust I have in them stronger as I can dedicate more time to them. It also makes birthdays easy to remember too and costs less at Christmas!!! ;)
Truthfully, why did I decided to even blog about such a pointless and non entertaining topic? Because if I think of all of what I have just said, and I really take it all in, I do realise that there is in fact something missing... A small sense of loneliness is there. Like I'm still waiting to find that person who fully understands me, that person that I can relax around and not be ashamed of overly conscious of my behaviour in front of, that person who knows me better than I know myself.
I feel like a Disney princess singing, "When will my prince come?"; such a clichéd little world of my own I live in... :')
I have my house mates from this year and last (so that's nine), and a few friends from home, and maybe one or two from uni. I'm not really friends with everyone on my course, I talk to them, get on with them, but I never meet up with them or really have a 'good ol' chit chat' with them. I just don't... I just can't... Oh, how does one accurately describe that feeling where you know someone but you don't know them?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's very few people in the world that I can act freely around, and just be myself. I constantly feel like I'm having to watch my every word, and even the way I sit or stand, around people at university. And outside uni I have my house mates (four that I live with, four who live in another house and one who's going into the army this year), and just a handful from home... The number of friends I have from home I can probably count on one hand. Yep just tried it... five people. The rest feel more like acquaintances than true friends. Now, if I go onto the topic of true friends, well, I'll be here for ages...Or maybe not actually, as that's an even smaller number.
Anyway, I feel as if, maybe, people perceive me in this 'lonely' manner and that it negatively reflects and impacts on my actually being. The fact people see me as lonely, may result in people not wanting to include me, or perhaps they think that it makes me a very boring person and so because of that they don't bother with me. It concerns me, because I know how quick people are to judge, we all do it and I'm always seen as the-weird-but-silent one, until you get to really know me well enough that is, then I'm just weird-and-loud.
I can walk into the lecture hall with half my course mates there and no one says "Hey, sit here Lily", not that I expect it of them, nor should they really have to, but I feel like I have no right to sit next to a lot of people without asking... I feel awkward. So I sit near people that I like and wait for the seats around me to fill up. It may be a sad way to work through university, but at least I still can get on great with people when we have to do group work etc... Being slightly detached from the group members on a personal level in fact can help greatly when trying to keep my head clear and observe, so it doesn't really adversely affect my grades, unless I'm overwhelmed by groups that are too large for my liking and I slip into a over-stressed, frustrated mouse that sulks in the corner.
In conclusion from all that babble, although I'm making it out that I perceive myself as a lonely person, I do not feel that way. I'm quite content with my pocket of friends, it makes the trust I have in them stronger as I can dedicate more time to them. It also makes birthdays easy to remember too and costs less at Christmas!!! ;)
Truthfully, why did I decided to even blog about such a pointless and non entertaining topic? Because if I think of all of what I have just said, and I really take it all in, I do realise that there is in fact something missing... A small sense of loneliness is there. Like I'm still waiting to find that person who fully understands me, that person that I can relax around and not be ashamed of overly conscious of my behaviour in front of, that person who knows me better than I know myself.
I feel like a Disney princess singing, "When will my prince come?"; such a clichéd little world of my own I live in... :')
I hope you don’t mind me posting comments here and there. I have read through your blog once or twice and always thought I should write a bit more, as many posts of yours were very interesting.
ReplyDeleteSo, I wrote this post back in…I think it was February, but never posted it. Maybe I should have, so I’ll do it now. Looking over your blog again made me dig it out and update it. So it kinda is a new post anyway. :p
Again, this is a two-parter, thanks to Blogspot and it's 4000 word limit. :p
I just finished reading your Lone Wolf (why am I thinking of Doctor Who now?! After I’ve written this, guess it’s time to re-watch all the Rose story arch episodes, yay!) blog entry and I guess I feel compelled (again) to write a reply to your insight.
Again I see the usual „same difference“ things between our experiences. I mentioned before that I am a VERY social person. I don’t have the same issues with starting conversations, but I think that’s where the differences end.
Large friendship groups are something I cannot understand. I think it’s the overuse of the term „friend“ that livejournal, myspace and Facebook have given us. I still don’t know if the yanks (shall we agree on colonials? ;D) are to blame, or if this is something that social media has brought us: Nobody says „acquaintance“ anymore. „So-and-so, who I see once every five fortnights and have nothing to do with, other some connection via a work mate“ is already a friend to many people. And I don’t understand that. I can’t grasp it.
My group of friends consists of about ten people and of those exactly three know me very very well. It is those three that I actually call „dear friends“. Every person out of this …“quorum of ten“ is automatically an acquaintance. Hell, I am happy, whenever I can throw something off my Facebook friend list and make it below 100. (It stays that high mostly because I tend to keep in contact with older school mates, or some people abroad. I’d love to throw people off, but I just can’t bing myself to do so. Think of that what you will).
Anyway, I have a similar problem with what you call not being able to have a „good ol chit chat“ with them. While I have no problems at all TALKING to people, unless we’re getting into serious discussion and/or debate territory, or silly joking around, I’m stuck. There’s …it’s uncomfortable. That’s what it is. I try to make small talk, I really do. But as you say, I just don’t KNOW them, so I can never get to any point where we could have a conversation. If a conversation exists, maybe started by a friend, it’s no issue for me. But the first part…yikes.
And yes, I do have issues with being myself. Maybe because I am such a goof at times, or such a jokester, that I tend to at least try to „behave“ myself around people who I am not as close to.Which is SO SO strange. And it does include posture!
You mentioned negative reflection and judging, which kinda, in a very twisted way, is what I feel sometimes happens to me. Just really „the other way around“: When you get to know me, I’m this more quiet, silly - you said „weird“, which also is a good description - but quiet, calm (yet excitable) person and that’s the person I want people to know. The person you can have long talks with. The tolerant, interested guy with a passion for art, music and history, for movies and literature. But somehow I can’t get past the stage of „weird and loud“ :p Which isn’t a bad stage, per se, so whatever you do, for the love of god, please don’t take this as me saying anything negative towards who you are, once one gets to know you better. ;D
We seem to be similar in one other aspect as well. You say that you get on great with people when forced (by uni work) together. Once I am in similar surroundings, I tend to take things slow, let them warm up and sooner than later I am in good working order. But it needs a kick to shoehorn me in. At least with you it seems to show that you can do fine as well. You just need something to get your „in“.
Your summary about how you get along fine with smaller groups I can happily agree with. Besides the cost-factor, it’s simply something I enjoy. I prefer the smaller group of friends, as it just gives me a stronger base to work with. You mention the time spent with them, tough and that’s one thing I dislike. As some of my friends DON’T subscribe to my (clearly superior) way of dealing with friends and, even worse, spend a lot of time with people who just suck them dry, it takes away a lot of „me time“ (sounds a lot more egocentric than it is meant to do, but I like that word choice), which can put a huge strain one me. Very annoying. :p
ReplyDeleteSo maybe this is just to say to you "don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you". Or maybe it's just me trying to talk more than I should. Who knows. I just felt I'd share.
Oh god, so much bla bla and so little actual meaning, even after the edit & update. I hope I actually put some meaning, or at least more meaning that I can read, into the words I wrote. Hell, I don’t even know why I wrote it. It just hit me when I read your post. Sudden urge. Ah well, enjoy.