Introvertism

I’d say over the last two years we’ve all become a bit more ‘introverted’; even ambiverts and extroverts I have spoken to or have voiced up on the matter online have expressed feeling tired being around people after the first lot of lockdowns starting lifting.

But as restrictions lifted more and more, I reckon a lot of extroverts are now fully embracing that we can meet our friends again and are enjoying more social events, even with restrictions in place, and are likely feeling they’re usual extroverted feelings and needs are starting to be met again; I’ve seen vast amount of posts of people in large crowds or large groups of friends out drinking or at gigs or other very sociable events.

I had a moment enjoying the lifting in restrictions after the first lockdown, travelling to London a few times to meet someone and exploring the city while it was still in a partially quiet, uncrowded situation. But it was still quiet and I didn’t really have the sensory overwhelm of being in a crowd (nor did I really have to interact with many strangers except for when I checked I wasn’t in the way of someone’s photo and when I was looking for a toilet). It felt like an outgoing sociable adventure to me after being at home for so long. It felt like a comfortable challenge to my very small circle of interactions; just enough social interaction to not be considered antisocial or overly shy. Then we went into another lockdown.

Due to the combination of feeling discouraged by the never ending presence of covid and this lockdown being over the darker, winter months… it was even harder to stay focused, to stay motivated, to stay optimistic about the future. As such I feel that I definitely overindulged my hermit side during that time until I found myself more and more easily drained of eneregy when having to interaction with people (within my job I still complete home visits and make phone calls to clients so while I am stuck at home a LOt more I still have to interact with people often).

A mixture of this pandemic brain coinciding with starting a medication that exhausted me and I actually had to be disciplined in planning rest days, and so I got stuck in isolation mindset until long after the lockdown had lifted. My friends thankfully are also introverts or ambiverts and understanding, and nearly all live far from me and they are all busy with their own lives that we don’t meet on the regular anyway. But I often thought how I could have suggested video calls more with them, and I felt bad for a while for avoiding reaching out and regretted not putting in more effort.

It’s been over 5 months of this medication and the fatigue now, and after being quite ill again after my booster vaccine, I’ve realised something. While I was ill I knew how important those rest weekends and lazy evenings were for me physically, but I also reflected on the benefits of it mentally…

I had more and more tv evenings and binged series upon series of kdramas over the last lockdown. But as lockdowns lifted while I wanted to see my friends I also felt like I didn’t want to plan ahead too much. Knowing I’d be overwhelmed after a day with friends, so I would arrange one meet up per weekend and preferably with a completely empty weekend in between in order to recover socially and mentally - and I justified this more with saying it was a covid buffer time to make sure I would know if I picked it up and not therefore pass it between multiple circles of people.

I like having things to look forward and reasons to put on a nice jumper or skirt or something too but I also looooove being alone. My god I love it so much! Every evening I need to be alone, listening to music, losing my self in my imagination and daydreaming up stories. It’s a weird habit (maybe) and it’s a very private one (even though I don’t mind zoning out a lot in front of people when listen to music). But it’s so important to me. But I’ve always perceived it as a secret. As this stupid childhood play pretend habit I never grew out of and should be embarrassed about, and instead of daydreaming about life I should be out there with people actually living in for real. I felt guilty living in my fantasy world or binging tv and getting very excited over the stories and characters (like bouncing in my seat and rubbing my hands together excitedly) - I find it so hard not to be a “weirdo” at cinemas. 😂

I had been feeling an underlining guilt during the lockdowns for being so introverted and frankly, anti-social. But I’ve also realised I had an underlying feeling of guilt around rest that goes deeper than just pandemic brain.

Before covid I used to feel internally restless if I didn’t leave the house everyday - which often meant some form of interaction with people and some task or end goal to achieve. Then I believed I got pandemic brain and I just became lazy... Did I? Maybe due to the pandemic and the fundamental stretching of time it has created, I feel lazy because I’ve associate guilt with any ‘task’ that doesn’t involves some form of productivity or some sort of outcome. But (and here’s the epiphany) no one’s really said I shouldn’t do that. That I shouldn’t enjoy my ‘unproductive’ me-time. That I shouldn’t have so much me-time. Not recently any way.

As a teenager I was told I was weird for a lot of my introvertism and habits and I guess I really was at an impressionable age, as the guilt for being just me has obviously clung to me for years... Whenever I now feel guilty for needing a high percentage of alone time, it is never anyone else that says it’s not okay to plan these “me days” and rest days. Actually more and more people are very accepting of an introvert’s need for alone time whether they’re ambivert or full extroverts themselves, like we’re cute little tortoise than need hibernation periods.

It’s me I need to convince.

So, so what if my diary plans make me sound like the grinch!! At least the Grinch prioritised self-needs and self-care (all be it to an unhealthy level) but sod it… let’s all be a little more Grinch and consider that dinner plans alone with ourselves or noise cancelling headphones and an embracingly badly coordinated dancing session alone are very valid reasons to be busy! If it feeds your soul and lifts your mood, no matter how weird or uncommon we should embrace and accept these things.