My tattoos and staying strong

When I meet new people I can get super quiet, I can come across as rude, or distrusting, or I have straight up bitch face and seem unapproachable. It's a bit of an INFP problem. We're often just lost in thought. And I personally also have a bigger bottom lip that always makes me look like I'm sulking or about to cry. It does mean the when I smile it's a very big smile though. I think some of why I am so shy when meeting people and why I look so grumpy and lost in thought also links in with why I wanted these tattoos and what they mean to me.


I found school hard when I was a teenager, I then had some mental health difficulties during college struggling with anorexia, and I then found uni very, very hard... and my depression hit me hardest then. I struggled with anorexic tendencies again and that thought pattern and I also struggled with suicidal thoughts and even some minor self harm. But I survived all of that and found what makes me happy, albeit it's still an ongoing process every day. Afterall, happiness is a journey not a destination. You have to work at it every day.

To me the arrow symbolizes how in archery you have to consider all the variables like wind and gradient and distance before you can hit the bullseye. I feel this is a reminder to me to 'aim true' no matter what life throws at me I'll take it on board and account for it... and I will still hit that goal I'm after. I later found a saying that summarised it much better "an arrow has to be pulled back in order to shoot forward".

And the mountains are simply a reminder to me to never give up. To keep going, because I've done it before, so I can do it again. Together they remind me to stay strong and remind me how strong I've already been.

Unfortunately I did a little of that super quiet resting bitch face thing when getting these tattoos, as I was nervous and lost in thought. Worrying that putting these permanent reminders on my skin would be fraudulent one day if I ever gave up on my goals. But I've wanted them for nearly 5 years. And I may worry I'll give up on goals in the future but that doesn't make me a total failure. I've survived so many personal challenges before, if I fail it's never really failure... until I give up. But I'm also not the sort to flog a dead horse; if a goal I'm working on doesn't fulfil my soul, if it isn't working, I'm not afraid to move on. And as much as the negative side of me sees that as failure and abandonment, the logical hindsight part of me always ends up looking bad on those situations and realises how much pursuing it would have damaged me, how perseverance isn't my top value in life but that doesn't mean I never get anywhere in life. 

I live for those moments of deep connection and happiness. Be it with other people animals or nature. But those moments that I truly feel connected to life are the moments I live for, the moments I feel truly alive. Seeing something through to the end isn't always the best. Yeah sure, it can be satisfying to finish projects and sometimes some things are unavoidable like paperwork and essential household tasks. But overall in this era of capitalism and being a millennial I have found that there is a constant pressure to keep going and going and the end results are profitable. We work and work and work until we die, not just in our careers but in our home life too. Retirement age is so high and only getting higher; there will never be a time when life slows down so I can enjoy it then. Why should I work super hard to earn all the money to retire and THEN enjoy my life? Why should I wait 50 years before really truly fulfilling my soul and living? I strive to live for the now. 
And it will be hard, always, especially is such a money oriented world and when I'm prone to suffering with the typical millennial existential crises and depression.

But these tattoos are just another way to remind me that I am strong and I am capable.