What is this negative stigma attached to being different...? Can you even define normal for me?
Okay so at this very moment in time I should ideally be writing up my essay, but I'm hitting brick walls every five minutes and I've been going all day. So I thought I'd clear my head by rather quickly discussing certain matters with you, my dear imaginary audience.
I haven't posted on here in ages, for some part I can blame the fact that I'm quite lazy, for the other part it's because I've been emotionally overloaded and freaking out over my degree and trying and trying and trying and trying some more to just work at it.
So I'll just quickly bring you up to speed. Before Christmas I really struggled on my placement, I was making myself ill through stress and anxiety, which lead to me struggling to perform adequately and in such a viscous circle it lead to more anxiety and stress and struggle. My educator and liaison tutor believed that I may have dyslexia which was amplifying my anxiety problems. I managed to claim 'extemporary conditions' for my anxiety and booked for a dyslexia test through the University.
It took me about four days to tell my parents that I had to end my placement early, I was petrified that they would be disappointed in me... I still struggle to accept what happened. I still feel as if I've let them down beyond extreme. No matter how understanding and supporting they are, I still have to kick myself and pull myself together and remind myself that this isn't the end of the world; because some days it does still feel like that.
I didn't honestly think I had dyslexia, and that I was just lazy, slow, and not cut out for my degree, and that I was only struggling due to my anxiety/depression... I couldn't deny that my anxiety was true, I had never felt so scared to wake up in the morning and go into a hospital, I had never felt so pathetic and self conscious every time I spoke to a member of staff or patient.
So in the end I have to re-sit my placement in the summer which means I don't get to have a holiday and I can't go to Paris with my friend and I can't work any money up!!! So my mind's has been plagued with guilt and annoyance at the situation that I've put myself in.
I know that ranting about this on here may not be the most sensible thing and that people I know may see it, and that people who have some disagreements with me of some oppositions with me may see this post and be laughing at my demise and my struggles. But this is exactly why I'm posting this. I have struggled, I am still struggling and now I'm moving on... That's life, is it not? I didn't want to feel like I needed to keep this a secret just because I have a clinical diagnosis that I'm different, and that I'm struggling. I'm still human. I'm still Lily! I'm still crazy, kind hearted, wacky, overly emotional, ol' me.
So what?! I have dyslexia! I feel like there is this negative stigma attached to the 'condition' for some people still. I do not believe that living with dyslexia should stop you from achieving what ever it is you want to become. Though no matter what I kept telling myself during the Christmas period and the month after, as I awaited my psychological screening, I still felt that if I was diagnosed with dyslexia then I would have this barrier in my life preventing me from overcoming challenges, but if I wasn't diagnosed with dyslexia then I would still have this barrier or anxiety and stupidity stopping me from achieving. I felt like I was going to end up in a pit of despair either way.
But it's not like that at all. A lot of people see dyslexia as a way of labelling one's stupidity and giving them an excuse not to achieve. But all it is is a quirky characteristic, and slight difference in the way one's brain performs in comparison the 90% of the non-dyslexic population.
Dyslexia shouldn't be considered a 'condition' even though it comes under the category of 'learning difficulties' and is associated with words such as 'weakness', 'difficulty' and 'challenging'. Dyslexia is a life-long part of one's brain composition; it's forever and fixed. But we're living in a very adaptive and modern world. Dyslexia can be overcome with "targeted literacy interventions, technological support and adaptations to ways of working and learning."
(I lied when I said that this was going to be quick, as it has in fact taken the good part of an hour to type this. But when one's brain is clouded with an emotional build-up as mine has been lately, it's pretty hard to function adequately and perform to the standard that is needed.)
Having dyslexia hasn't had such a major impact on my learning in the past, not until I came to university and the subject I was studying changed completely from what I had previously been used to. It became more realistic, more practical, more demanding, more consequential. And I just couldn't keep up with the pace. Now, I will be getting help, and will have to push myself even harder to achieve what I know I am capable of in the same amount of time as everyone else on my course.
It will be hard; it always has been. But at least now I understand. I know where I'm going next and I know that I will have the help and support that I need to get me through this.
So tell me can you even define normal? Is there really a concept of what is truly normal? Are there guidelines you must follow to be normal? I think you'll find that there is no answer to those questions. There is only opinion.
I haven't posted on here in ages, for some part I can blame the fact that I'm quite lazy, for the other part it's because I've been emotionally overloaded and freaking out over my degree and trying and trying and trying and trying some more to just work at it.
So I'll just quickly bring you up to speed. Before Christmas I really struggled on my placement, I was making myself ill through stress and anxiety, which lead to me struggling to perform adequately and in such a viscous circle it lead to more anxiety and stress and struggle. My educator and liaison tutor believed that I may have dyslexia which was amplifying my anxiety problems. I managed to claim 'extemporary conditions' for my anxiety and booked for a dyslexia test through the University.
It took me about four days to tell my parents that I had to end my placement early, I was petrified that they would be disappointed in me... I still struggle to accept what happened. I still feel as if I've let them down beyond extreme. No matter how understanding and supporting they are, I still have to kick myself and pull myself together and remind myself that this isn't the end of the world; because some days it does still feel like that.
I didn't honestly think I had dyslexia, and that I was just lazy, slow, and not cut out for my degree, and that I was only struggling due to my anxiety/depression... I couldn't deny that my anxiety was true, I had never felt so scared to wake up in the morning and go into a hospital, I had never felt so pathetic and self conscious every time I spoke to a member of staff or patient.
So in the end I have to re-sit my placement in the summer which means I don't get to have a holiday and I can't go to Paris with my friend and I can't work any money up!!! So my mind's has been plagued with guilt and annoyance at the situation that I've put myself in.
I know that ranting about this on here may not be the most sensible thing and that people I know may see it, and that people who have some disagreements with me of some oppositions with me may see this post and be laughing at my demise and my struggles. But this is exactly why I'm posting this. I have struggled, I am still struggling and now I'm moving on... That's life, is it not? I didn't want to feel like I needed to keep this a secret just because I have a clinical diagnosis that I'm different, and that I'm struggling. I'm still human. I'm still Lily! I'm still crazy, kind hearted, wacky, overly emotional, ol' me.
So what?! I have dyslexia! I feel like there is this negative stigma attached to the 'condition' for some people still. I do not believe that living with dyslexia should stop you from achieving what ever it is you want to become. Though no matter what I kept telling myself during the Christmas period and the month after, as I awaited my psychological screening, I still felt that if I was diagnosed with dyslexia then I would have this barrier in my life preventing me from overcoming challenges, but if I wasn't diagnosed with dyslexia then I would still have this barrier or anxiety and stupidity stopping me from achieving. I felt like I was going to end up in a pit of despair either way.
But it's not like that at all. A lot of people see dyslexia as a way of labelling one's stupidity and giving them an excuse not to achieve. But all it is is a quirky characteristic, and slight difference in the way one's brain performs in comparison the 90% of the non-dyslexic population.
Dyslexia shouldn't be considered a 'condition' even though it comes under the category of 'learning difficulties' and is associated with words such as 'weakness', 'difficulty' and 'challenging'. Dyslexia is a life-long part of one's brain composition; it's forever and fixed. But we're living in a very adaptive and modern world. Dyslexia can be overcome with "targeted literacy interventions, technological support and adaptations to ways of working and learning."
(I lied when I said that this was going to be quick, as it has in fact taken the good part of an hour to type this. But when one's brain is clouded with an emotional build-up as mine has been lately, it's pretty hard to function adequately and perform to the standard that is needed.)
Having dyslexia hasn't had such a major impact on my learning in the past, not until I came to university and the subject I was studying changed completely from what I had previously been used to. It became more realistic, more practical, more demanding, more consequential. And I just couldn't keep up with the pace. Now, I will be getting help, and will have to push myself even harder to achieve what I know I am capable of in the same amount of time as everyone else on my course.
It will be hard; it always has been. But at least now I understand. I know where I'm going next and I know that I will have the help and support that I need to get me through this.
So tell me can you even define normal? Is there really a concept of what is truly normal? Are there guidelines you must follow to be normal? I think you'll find that there is no answer to those questions. There is only opinion.
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